Tuesday, May 10, 2011


I am. I am uncomfortable. Strangely enough, I know it's where the Lord desires me to be right now. Now back up. Last Sunday was my birthday (Yayyyy!) but it was full of studying for exams. Just when I finished I came down with THE illness. Long story short, I was rushed to the ER, had to stay over night and receive a spinal tap due to the fact that they thought I had spinal meningitis. When it showed up negative they sent me home the next day. 6 hours later, the place where they did the tap burst and started leaking toxic fluid into my body that started to momentarily paralyzing my right side. While my sister rushed me to the ER again, I cried. Oh did I cry. I cried that I was in pain, and UNCOMFORTABLE with my very crazy life that I had no hold on. Spending yet another night in that dreaded hospital, I felt put back. I was put to sleep and had a blood patch to stop the leakage. It worked and decided to hurt for days. As I type, I'm in pain.

I guess with 3 weeks in between now and the day that I leave for 2 months for Alaska, I'm a little baffled. A little "pushed off my rocker". TRUTH: I feel so unprepared, mentally and physically it's almost unbearable. I'm used to having it all together and now with the set back of a week by an illness that stumped the doctors and left me hurting, is now really affecting me. A good friend put it to me like this, I'm so used to knowing everything about everything, that maybe God wanted me to feel a "coin in my cushion" a little poke in the side and realize I can't be in control of the life that I desire to lead. I desire to be fully enthralled with Christ and His love for His people. I desire to only serve Him. And I think He desires me to be patient and reliant on Him. I can almost hear Him telling me to relax, and just let Him take over. Just breath and everything will be okay.

I guess the real question now is can I do it? Lindsey, can you let go and let God be in control of the summer you have totally dedicated to Him. Do you have faith? Now I have to answer that.

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